Valory

NAIA Terminal 1

I remember how I held polite smiles as a child as I tried to be behave like a good girl when asked to answer small talk questions like, “How old are you now?” I would sometimes pull away because my cheeks were swollen from their incessant pinching (note: I was a fat kid with so much wobbly bits good for pinching). The questions have obviously evolved to “Are you working already?” I call it the plateau, when all people just stop there and acknowledge whichever company you’re working for.

I still enjoy being in the plateau, but I already entered that weird age when everyone is not sure how to ask how I am at age 27. I had my few toink moments back then when people would assume things that I’m not yet acquainted with:

•  I remember bumping into one of my old Chinese class teachers from high school while I was in 3^rd year college. She just blurted out: “Are you married already?” I laughed my wits out and we were both slightly hysterically embarrassed.
• One time at the office, my new co-worker asked me if I’m also married like the others in the meeting room; I was like: “NBSB here.” Okay, that was embarrassing too, I laughed it all out and was never really dramatic about it.
• The last time was a year ago when I passed by a mini day care center at the mall and the saleslady was offering me to check their place out. Okay, though I would sometimes imagine what if I already had a child (because they are too adorable).
•  Nowadays, my new Cantonese teacher and classmate asked me if the other half and I are already married.

I’m beginning to think that all these might not have been coincidental. Was life has just been passing me by or have I thoughtlessly been passing through life?

I always thought that I was still young and had this whimsical dream of maturing into a beautiful swan someday. I felt insecure here and there during high school and college, I would think to myself that I was the fairest of them all in my own castle of being and everything was fine. I was not assuming and never claimed to be the alpha female of any sort, because I had my own sense of mind; thinking that each person has her own sense of beauty and worth.

I’m the type of girl who did not show much insecurity on the outside and have always been chose being right than happy. I have always been over weight, clumsy, and wore back brace in high school. Yup, I wasn’t popular, pretty, nor the nerdy type. I was just an average person was a bit full of herself, who held back to her being on the top ten honor roll when my pretty meter was being tested, thinking: “I’m smart anyway, I don’t have to be pretty.”

Sure, I had my share of experimentation with hair relaxers in the name of pursuing beauty. I always thought that I had all the time in the world; I could save and spend it sometime in the future “when I’ve matured into a swan”. I spent my off times on manicures/pedicures and back massages. Then I hit 27, newbies in the office and I have about 4-5 years gap. Suddenly, I’m not so young anymore; what was I doing and more importantly, why? I was never the PC tweaking person in the family nor in school in the first place. I was always mellow and trusted the promise of tomorrow, confined within my bounds of comfort.

I realized that I was my happy memories as a young student was when I was drawing in art club and art class, writing for the school paper, handling puppets, acting and doing pantomime in black lights with my friends, even secretly squeezing into the kindergarten classrooms to play the piano during black theater rehearsals (even if I didn’t know how, I find the tones and pull them up into a familiar song). My college years was highlighted with my writer/associate editor extra-curricular activity job in our college’s newsletter for the last 2 years, aside from cutting class for “special” occasions.

I have always hated math in my primary years, in fact I hated doing practice math problems. In high school, I excelled in Social studies, Biology and English, careered all art projects and flunked for the first time in Chemistry. I never really persevered and pushed myself to pull my ranks up the top ten list, I was simply contented being in it. If I wasn’t in it, I would try to be in it again the next semester, but never beyond the top 5 because I thought that I wasn’t good enough. I think I would sometimes be at top 5, but the point is that I was already happy about it.

During 4^th year high school, I was simply impressed by myself because I got 90+ in Math and even attended remedial class with math whiz kids (I was the noob haha, but I didn’t care haha). I thought that I was becoming good in Math (thanks to our cool math teacher) and might as well use it. My ego got me into engineering, ignoring all other hobbies to have a more rewarding career. I selected ECE because it sounded good and modern, not that I know anything about it. I stayed away from the famous nursing course because I thought that everyone was taking it and I didn’t want to join the bandwagon. That was it, I set limit to myself since back then. Though I graduated in college with an ECE diploma, I was clueless what to do after graduation.

I was over 6 months jobless after graduation, I was accepted as a research consultant that paid well and I liked what I did, but the set up did not work out and I’d like to see the outside world. I took a purchasing job with a Chinese company, but the set up was not my type and I wanted more money. I took a job in an American IT company doing BPO job, I got assigned to a dedicated project after 6 months and got promoted after about 1.8 years. I was definitely driven and inspired during my newbie years, I even remember liking the graveyard shift because it meant night differential pay and peaceful ambience in the office. I was hooked and was rarely late.

Yes, the money was good, but I tell you; drooling while accidentally falling asleep at 9am in the bus/train didn't feel good. And it didn't feel good when I have completely succumbed to brain dysfunction and forgot to pay the bus driver who smiled at me, as he waited for me to pay my fare. I tried to go to sleep and got usually confused with what time it was when I woke up. Excluding migraines and all sorts of bloating and hair fall, my pride and self-worth was really shaken. I was thinking, “If I can’t do this, then what?” In my biased opinion, it’s a sad thing when you see people - even myself - not knowing what to do in times of doubt, other than to choose what they currently have.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Sometimes, I regret the time when I turned my back on my “hobbies”, convinced that I had to be an adult. I just couldn't wash them out of me. Writing was just always been part of me; in fact, it saved me when I was on shambles while my artistic side always came in handy. I have been too afraid to fail and too afraid to admit where I am better and interested at, if not best. One of the funniest indication of my awakening was that I was more excited to write up an article for the company newsletter than to do my actual work. I was not “the best” writer of all time; some were hit, some were miss, but I didn't care much because I liked how I was telling stories about my teammate’s achievements and activities. In fact, the highlight of my yearly office rating was more of my writing for the company newsletter and being published in the company’s website version of the newsletter.

It’s just sad that writers have been accompanied with poor compensation, I was so happy with what I achieved as a past research consultant and newsletter writer again but was still afraid and bound by my ideals. I’m lucky that I met my other half who empowered me at all times, and a few role models and supporters, who have decided to walk through the road less taken by those who choose to fueled with passion and determination.

As I stayed in the office, I encountered all sorts of people. I was surviving, but I did not feel the same with my work as days passed by. I saw these people, who were passionate at work and ones who were not. Each person’s passion transcends to their output. In my biased opinion, I do not want to see myself in the same position that will make me surrender to eventual self-destruction, wherein going to work will be as if I'm climbing an uphill off-road mountain and wild hungry wolves will be everywhere, waiting for me to be off-guard.

I tried freelance writing on my own and was excessively exhilarated when got a few rackets. My penchant for beautiful places, artistic whims and my funny quirks actually got me a job that I have been excited about every day. It was not as big as my monthly salary as an IT person, but I was at awe! I am now an official writer - who got paid for my nonsense haha.

In an era where Princess Anna and Elsa redefined stereotypes and have fully emphasized woman empowerment, I just couldn’t help but see myself in their shoes! Timely and timeless. I just love the part when Anna stopped Kristoff, so that she could defend herself to Hans. On the other hand, Elsa has been too unsure of herself for so long; she accepted her own true self and learned to channel her powers to good use. I quit my IT job and I am now accepting what I am; a noob, trying to write her way into the world.

So I sing on my personal day of valor, “Let it go… let it go…”